Ladies, this one’s for you 😉
If you’re sick of the guys you meet just having sex with you and bailing, now might be a good time to ease up on the Johnson-rides.
Before you start calling me a jerk again, read me out. I understand – I really do – that there are occasions when a guy will coax you into bed while you’re at your lowest, or he’ll say you’re his girlfriend, and then never call you again after some hard, pulsating, slimy intimacy. This happens quite a bit, but sometimes it’s just the case that he straight up “used” you for your good and horny nature, and you can’t help but rip on the jerk to all your friends (and his). It’s not your fault that you’re easily fooled by these guys, after all, how could you resist their skin-tight shirts, frosted tips and mag-wheels? They’re just so charming the way they start fights at nightclubs and call all their mates by pet names like ‘faggots’. Don’t you think it’s only reasonable, though, that both genders take responsibility for their actions in all matters like this? That is, matters of a cervical-proddingly consensual nature?
There are a lot of wankers out there, but I find it particularly offensive when a girl says to me, “All men are assholes.” This implies that I am also an asshole, even though it wasn’t my fault – nor the rest of mankind’s – that she went for a pickle-spin on some dude she met two weeks ago. Not even the guy is a guaranteed asshole. Why? Allow me to expand.
I recently met up with a friend of mine who came out of the womb equipped with a vagina. The difference between this particular occasion and our previous meetings was that we engaged in the sacred bonding ceremony of sharing words over a frosty beer. Did I then expect that – given that I’m only prone to grabbing a beer with my close friends – she’d call me more often, ask me to come hang out and never have hot, steamy beer with anyone else? No, because circumstances wouldn’t just thrust in my favour on account of my one-sided expectations.
The same can be said for sex outside of a relationship and, although it would make things far simpler, life isn’t a game of World of Warcraft. You might gain dexterity and agility points by dancing on some dong’s dong, but you don’t suddenly level up to ‘Girlfriend’ rank, you aren’t suddenly ‘dating’, ‘seeing each-other’ or ‘official’; you’re just plain ol’ gittin’ sum in da fanny.
It takes two-to-tango, and you can’t blame someone for having sex with you when you were also up for it. One thing you can definitely assume of guys, like it or not, is that most of them won’t say ‘no’ to your vagina. You should also know that they don’t tend to grow more emotionally attached after being physically inside you. In fact, it’s more likely that a guy will like you less for having sex with him, both because there’s another relationship gem you’ve tackled in pre-relationship status and, sorry girls, but men don’t just operate based on your hopes and assumptions. Women and men are different right down to their chromosomes, and just as women wish Edward Cullen was real so they could marry him, men wish Edward Cullen was real so women would shut up about Edward Cullen. Maybe then they wouldn’t have made all those sexually-confused movies.
You can’t even establish that a guy’s intentions were just to use you. A guy may very well be interested, but will simply change his mind sometime after sexual encounters of the third-base kind. Under those circumstances, you may decide to go and tell your friends that he used you and wasn’t interested in anything else. Maybe he is a bit of an asshole for taking advantage of your bad decision-making, but let’s not forget that you also had sex with him. With your (questionably) adult-brain at the helm, you participated in the sex – maybe even enjoyed it – and you can’t condemn the guy for using you when he might’ve just decided that he didn’t like you after you both did the horizontal monster mash. If you want to avoid that scenario, how about not having sex with him until something more substantial has been established? Like, say, until you’re officially a couple, if that’s what you’re looking for? As much as you’re a nice person for giving some dude the benefit of the doubt, you don’t see me giving the benefit of the doubt to the ‘City Interchange Wallet Inspector’.
These issues can be pretty circumstantial, and men don’t just have a blank ticket to go screwing with women’s feelings and bodies. Men can sometimes take advantage of a woman’s trusting nature, and I suppose that makes us assholes if we decide not to talk to you again. Hell, the roles can even reverse and the guys are the ones that get led on or have unreasonable expectations. Oh wait, but then there’s reality: we’re responsible for our own lives and actions, and isn’t it a little spastically unfeminist to blame some guy you hardly know for not taking care of your decisions for you?
It seems quite common that a guy will cop it for being a jerk whilst the girl is victimised. Thus it is my suggestion, ladies, that before you berate a guy for “using” you, consider your own wisdom in having had sex with him, and whether your expectations were reasonable given the general inclination of most males and your minimal understanding of said guy. I understand this whole scenario is quite the proverbial iceberg, but given all the damage caused by ‘pre-relationship sexpectations’, as it is known scientifically, it is my recommendation to both sexes that, if you’re looking for more than a sexual relationship with someone, don’t expect that having sex with them will sign some kind of unspoken contract.
To put it eloquently, there are other ways of getting people to go out with you, and they usually don’t involve an early game dong-hockey.
Gentendre 
“There are other ways of getting people to go out with you, and they usually don’t involve an early game dong-hockey. ” What an incredibly condescending statement, not to mention a huge patriarchal generalization.
But this article is definitely food for thought though 🙂
Helping men get their balls back: http://manhood101.com
Generalisations (although it is hard to avoid them I suppose) and perhaps tactless language aside I like this article. I don’t think it is a case of “men taking advantage of women’s trusting nature,” – both women and men enjoy sex and if attracted to someone, often want their relationship (relationship used in the loose sense, not the bf/gf sense) to lead to that point. Sex is not an invitation to commit. Some kind of communication to commitment is the invitation. After this point, one can be excused of accusing someone of dickishness if they piss off and stop returning your calls.
If you want someone to commit to you – and this goes for both guys and gals – maybe consider what you’re doing in an attempt to get them to do so. If sleeping with someone is the desperate attempt to keep them, is that really the precedent you want to set for the entire relationship if it happens to evolve that way?
As a side note I actually think guys are as guilty of ‘gender-bashing/whining-about’ as girls, it just might not be sex they are complaining was used against them. Again, the principles above apply. If you don’t like the way that person is treating you/has treated you, chances are you’ll be dodging a bullet by not ending up with them
Hmm. D’you know, I think it’s a bit post-modern to say “both women and men enjoy sex and if attracted to someone, often want their relationship (relationship used in the loose sense, not the bf/gf sense) to lead to that point”. I don’t know that the situation is that simple. I mean… in a perfect world where everyone’s happy and confident in relationships (in both the mentally and physically intimate parts of them) and in life in general, it’d probably be true, but I think there’s a pretty big demographic out there – both women and men, but from my experience and from the stories of my girlfriends, I’d say mostly women – who are just not confident with it, and for whom sex is a HUGE issue, both before relationships, and during… and after. My own personal transition period to confidence in that department took quite a while, and I have a few friends who have even wondered whether they were asexual because the concept of sex didn’t interest them just that much. They were still attracted to guys and wanted to have boyfriends, but the fact that “sex is just something you have to do when you’re in a relationship” intimidated them and dissuaded them from trying to get into relationships because they didn’t want to have to deal with it. Maybe this is “abnormal” behaviour, in the sense of not being common, but I’ve heard it in D&Ms from too many people now to just file it into the outlier drawer.
To tie this back to Doctor Butts’ article, I think that he has a point here, and that his suspicion that girls sometimes sleep with guys in an attempt to get into relationships with them is true. In that transitional period when you’re trying to become comfortable with your sexuality, or with sexuality in general, sometimes you think that certain things are assumed when that might not be the case. E.g., “Sex is a big thing for me, and it seems to be a big thing for a lot of my girlfriends, so I’m going to go ahead and assume that it’s a big thing for all girls – that is, for most of the 3 billion of us. This dude, being one dude amongst “that other” 3 billion in the world, should know that it’s a big deal for “us other” 3 billion, and so if I sleep with him, he should know that that means that I think he’s really great and that I don’t do this with everyone and that I’m serious about him.” I think there’s huge room for misunderstanding.
(I use “post-modern” there in the probably incorrect sense of “you seem to have made a conclusion there which I’m not sure is ripe to be a conclusion yet – just ’cause sexual freedom has been attained by certain people through feminism doesn’t mean that it’s been attained across the board yet”. I’ve been trying for years but just haven’t been able to find a definition of postmodernism simple enough to stick in my brain… Haha.)
Whether or not everyone enjoys sex is really beside the point (although I still think that saying both sexes enjoy having sex is actually a fair enough generalisation for me to make). If you don’t enjoy it but you still do it to ‘win’ someone, my point stands. Furthermore, if you are trying to figure out your sexuality (and I don’t mean that in a gender-preference sense) is it really someone else’s fault for not knowing that you weren’t completely comfortable having sex in the first place?
There absolutely is room for misunderstanding, but if someone misunderstands you that doesn’t make them an asshole.
as a man who isn’t the most confident. If i have sex with a woman prior to starting a serious relationship, its for fun and innocent. Since i am not the most confident, i also feel that i am nothing special if she has sex with me prior.. Aka if i got in on the first night week, so did anyone else…
maybe i am special, maybe i am lucky, but i know this, i am not special, i am just an average guy who gets lucky sometimes…
“This dude, being one dude amongst “that other” 3 billion in the world, should know that it’s a big deal for “us other” 3 billion, and so if I sleep with him, he should know that that means that I think he’s really great and that I don’t do this with everyone and that I’m serious about him.” I think there’s huge room for misunderstanding.”
^ This is a huge generalization though, based on your experiences. Studies have proven women don’t have less of a sex drive, less pleasure from sex, or are less comfortable with the idea of sex than men. While it may not be your experience or that of your friends, as far as the average person, men and women both desire it on some level. So while it may be a big deal for you, I can list just as many women who it’s not a big deal for. Girls look for “hook-ups” too, not just guys. So just because it’s a big deal for you does not mean it’s a big deal for the rest of womankind, and it most definitely does not mean that the guy should “know” that it means he’s something special to you and you want more than just the sex. You are assuming he is psychic at this point. Communication is everything if you want more than sex. You need to let him know, because he literally cannot know if you don’t tell him outright. He has no way to know you don’t do that with everyone.
Plus, the sooner in the relationship it happens (for example, the first day or week you met), the less likely he is to think you are serious about things. It may be “unheard of” for you to do that so soon, so in your mind it means he’s special, but to a guy, sleeping with him that suddenly often means “I sleep with every guy that suddenly, so you are nothing special.” It’s an inherent difference in how we think. It isn’t his fault or yours. There most definitely is huge room for misunderstandings. The only way around them is to talk them over. Otherwise he will assume based on his guy brain, and you will assume based on your lady brain, and if they don’t quite sync up… don’t go calling him a manipulative ass-hole. That’s all the article is saying.
If you don’t want to wreck into someone at an intersection, make sure to use your turn signal. Otherwise you can hardly blame them.
Same goes for sex: if you don’t want them to think it’s just casual sex, tell them before it happens. If he isn’t okay with anything but casual and you want more than that, don’t sleep with him. If they are still on-board and afterwards don’t talk to you again, then he is a douche and not worth your time, and deserving of being called an ass-hole.
Overall I can appreciate your argument – as Artemiss has put it, sex is not an invitation to commit. That said, I believe your article’s merit suffers for the generalisations you make (for example, “a woman’s trusting nature”). Ultimately your argument doesn’t need to be limited by gendered behaviour/stereotypes – sleeping with someone doesn’t equal commitment, and misleading someone/taking advantage of them is unkind behaviour, regardless of your or their gender.
And as for Artemiss’s comment that guys are equally guilty of gender bashing – this article is a prime example, and if there weren’t so many generalisations about females, it wouldn’t necessarily be.
This is certainly blunt and lacks tact but that was the intention. I agree with the premise but not the manner in which you convey your point.
Lots of gender generalisations about ‘how women think’ and feel. Women are individuals and cannot just be lumped into a gender category as though gender implies homogeny. Yes women do it too, A woman declaring ‘all men are assholes’ is probably letting off steam just as the author of this article is letting off steam about the consequences of a personal encounter (an assumption perhaps).
The crux of the article is really about sex and what it means to the couple involved. The truth is there are all sorts of encounters in life which may mean different things to different people – a bit of honesty would not go astray. Human beings are complex and let’s face it there are some men and women who manipulate situations often implying more to bed their chosen one or for some other purpose.
There is no contract when engaging in casual sex that might imply agreement to further the relationship but if there is an implication of commitment of some degree, then clearly the intent is dishonest.
Generally it is a good idea not to jump into bed with someone without navigating these nuances. Most people are intelligent enough to work out if the sex is simply sexual release or the promise of something more, but some people are not street wise on these occasions and if there is attraction (built up over a period of time) there is always room for misunderstanding.
How about some honesty in these sexual encounters and this would reduce the need for later hurt and resentment. Life is pretty simple if you allow it.
I like your comment and hope you continue to post your thoughts on this blog.
Alas, a Doctor I may be, but blunt instruments is all my figurative inventory will allow me to wield. They are often penis-shaped instruments.
Writing an article is a lot like having sex. Think too much about everyone’s suggestions and everyone gets bored. Throw yourself into it with the passion of a fat kid eating his last cheeseburger and someone’s bound to enjoy themselves, even if it’s just some guy watching with a camcorder and a chubby.
Might I suggest that when you write an article it’s like when men have sex – you’re all willing to get the act done but then don’t want to engage in much conversation about it after?
Tongue in cheek – please forgive 😛
If we’re talking butts here – which we are – it’s better a tongue in the cheek than a nose in the browneye.
And to that first part: Yes, but with less crying.
oh yes men do bad things, bad things happen to women, because of men and never the other way round!
Perhaps OP, if you wanted to challenge the stereotyping you could have given counter examples.
“All men are assholes”.
A couple of pieces of research have found that women are far more likely to be sexist than men haven’t they?
Deep down guidos are closet fags.
Is all this really about sex and relationships, or is it about respect for oneself and others? The physical behavior of sex can occur in any type of relationship. Sometimes it involves an emotional connection that reflects an exclusive committed pairing, sometimes it’s a purely non-emotional, self-gratifying act, or anything in between.Sex becomes problematic when the parties involved are operating from different perspectives about what context the behavior is originating from.
When these competing realities occur, it is usually due to a lack of respect for oneself and/or the other party, resulting in a failure of full disclosure or outright lying about one’s intentions. Yes, sometimes people lie and imply a level of emotional connectedness in order to bed the other person (this would surely qualify the descriptor of “asshole”), and sometimes people fail to convey the expectation of a committed relationship if they bed the other person (I would argue this qualifies as “asshole” also, and not “victim”).
So, the best way to avoid complications is to be respectful of yourself and the other party by being honest and open about your motivation and expectations. If you’re not absolutely sure about the other person’s honesty, then don’t have sex. It really is that simple.
I love this comment and agree whole-heartedly
Yep. Well said.