Ladies, this one’s for you ;)

If you’re sick of the guys you meet just having sex with you and bailing, now might be a good time to ease up on the Johnson-rides.

Before you start calling me a jerk again, read me out. I understand – I really do – that there are occasions when a guy will coax you into bed while you’re at your lowest, or he’ll say you’re his girlfriend, and then never call you again after some hard, pulsating, slimy intimacy. This happens quite a bit, but sometimes it’s just the case that he straight up “used” you for your good and horny nature, and you can’t help but rip on the jerk to all your friends (and his). It’s not your fault that you’re easily fooled by these guys, after all, how could you resist their skin-tight shirts, frosted tips and mag-wheels? They’re just so charming the way they start fights at nightclubs and call all their mates by pet names like ‘faggots’. Don’t you think it’s only reasonable, though, that both genders take responsibility for their actions in all matters like this? That is, matters of a cervical-proddingly consensual nature?

There are a lot of wankers out there, but I find it particularly offensive when a girl says to me, “All men are assholes.” This implies that I am also an asshole, even though it wasn’t my fault – nor the rest of mankind’s – that she went for a pickle-spin on some dude she met two weeks ago. Not even the guy is a guaranteed asshole. Why? Allow me to expand.

I recently met up with a friend of mine who came out of the womb equipped with a vagina. The difference between this particular occasion and our previous meetings was that we engaged in the sacred bonding ceremony of sharing words over a frosty beer. Did I then expect that – given that I’m only prone to grabbing a beer with my close friends – she’d call me more often, ask me to come hang out and never have hot, steamy beer with anyone else? No, because circumstances wouldn’t just thrust in my favour on account of my one-sided expectations.

The same can be said for sex outside of a relationship and, although it would make things far simpler, life isn’t a game of World of Warcraft. You might gain dexterity and agility points by dancing on some dong’s dong, but you don’t suddenly level up to ‘Girlfriend’ rank, you aren’t suddenly ‘dating’, ‘seeing each-other’ or ‘official’; you’re just plain ol’ gittin’ sum in da fanny.

It takes two-to-tango, and you can’t blame someone for having sex with you when you were also up for it. One thing you can definitely assume of guys, like it or not, is that most of them won’t say ‘no’ to your vagina. You should also know that they don’t tend to grow more emotionally attached after being physically inside you. In fact, it’s more likely that a guy will like you less for having sex with him, both because there’s another relationship gem you’ve tackled in pre-relationship status and, sorry girls, but men don’t just operate based on your hopes and assumptions. Women and men are different right down to their chromosomes, and just as women wish Edward Cullen was real so they could marry him, men wish Edward Cullen was real so women would shut up about Edward Cullen. Maybe then they wouldn’t have made all those sexually-confused movies.

You can’t even establish that a guy’s intentions were just to use you. A guy may very well be interested, but will simply change his mind sometime after sexual encounters of the third-base kind. Under those circumstances, you may decide to go and tell your friends that he used you and wasn’t interested in anything else. Maybe he is a bit of an asshole for taking advantage of your bad decision-making, but let’s not forget that you also had sex with him. With your (questionably) adult-brain at the helm, you participated in the sex – maybe even enjoyed it – and you can’t condemn the guy for using you when he might’ve just decided that he didn’t like you after you both did the horizontal monster mash. If you want to avoid that scenario, how about not having sex with him until something more substantial has been established? Like, say, until you’re officially a couple, if that’s what you’re looking for? As much as you’re a nice person for giving some dude the benefit of the doubt, you don’t see me giving the benefit of the doubt to the ‘City Interchange Wallet Inspector’.

These issues can be pretty circumstantial, and men don’t just have a blank ticket to go screwing with women’s feelings and bodies. Men can sometimes take advantage of a woman’s trusting nature, and I suppose that makes us assholes if we decide not to talk to you again. Hell, the roles can even reverse and the guys are the ones that get led on or have unreasonable expectations. Oh wait, but then there’s reality: we’re responsible for our own lives and actions, and isn’t it a little spastically unfeminist to blame some guy you hardly know for not taking care of your decisions for you?

It seems quite common that a guy will cop it for being a jerk whilst the girl is victimised. Thus it is my suggestion, ladies, that before you berate a guy for “using” you, consider your own wisdom in having had sex with him, and whether your expectations were reasonable given the general inclination of most males and your minimal understanding of said guy. I understand this whole scenario is quite the proverbial iceberg, but given all the damage caused by ‘pre-relationship sexpectations’, as it is known scientifically, it is my recommendation to both sexes that, if you’re looking for more than a sexual relationship with someone, don’t expect that having sex with them will sign some kind of unspoken contract.

To put it eloquently, there are other ways of getting people to go out with you, and they usually don’t involve an early game dong-hockey.