The battle of the sexes is confusing. Women start by saying men suck, then they complain about blood and people coming out of their vaginas. Men go on about how stupid girls are, and then they take up scrapbooking. It’s a mess! Yet amongst the boobs and inequality of it all, when it comes to genitals, the female reproductive system tends to be surrounded by a distinct odour of testicular envy. This is based on a little bit of science and the three out of four girls I know that said, “Having a vagina sucks because we have babies and periods. I wish I had a penis… and not just in me!” or something along those lines.

Because men are mad-dogs, we tend to respond with, “Yeah, my dick is AWESOME! Fuck your vagina!” rather than considering the downsides of having a penis. Scientifically, this is because man’s desire is to win at everything – even genitals – especially when competing with/for women. This means dicks don’t tend to cop much of a verbal beating from either party unless they’re inappropriately shaped or malfunctioning.

Well (ladies), despite the lacking traffic of solid matter through the male yoghurt hose, it’s not all boners and phallocentric humour. In an effort to assuage the feeling of injustice dealt to women for taking a bite of the forbidden fruit, here are some of the worst parts about having a sausagey eleventh finger:

CIRCUMCISION!

Scientifically…

According to the internet, roughly 20% of males across the world are circumcised. Based on the nonsensical level of craziness involved in adult circumcision, we can assume most of that percentage covers men that are circumcised at birth. Statistically, this means that every fifth guy you meet entered this life with a heave, a ‘hello’, and a snip to the dicktip.

Female Perspective

Using my skills at women, I will try to put this into perspective for you. Although it’s not as barbarous as, say, female circumcision, removing a man’s forseskin is about as welcome to the senses as having your nipples removed with toenail clippers. The best part would be that removing your nipples may – in this analogy – have minor health benefits. The worst part is that your nipples are far less sensitive and…well…not there anymore.

RANDOM BONERS!

Scientifically…

You may have noticed that men are scientifically less self-conscious than women during moments of embarrassment. A normal man with a regular-sized penis will tend to laugh at himself when he does something stupid like fall over or fart on you – if not at the time, then later on with his friends. This male defence mechanism is developed during high-school, and is designed to protect the world from the radioactive levels of embarrassment we emit when caught out with a ‘random boner’.

Allow me to elaborate: During high-school, the hive of raging hormones in one teenager generates enough stiffy-power to supply several retirement homes and a hospice with a years-worth of boners. During such vital years of a teenaged boy’s cognitive and social development, this means that the smallest implication of bosom or sex will fire his imagination into an avalanche of pornography-inspired scenarios – with the only realistic plot-detail being their boner. Fortunately, most boys know that rocking a chubby in the middle of biology class will not lead to a blowjob from Ms. Johansson; unfortunately, most kids don’t realise every other boy in the room is dealing with the same thing; and the bell just rang. To avoid being caught-out, every kid uses one of four tactics in the end-of-class bonerdance. They either:

1 – Buy time by shuffling their stationery whilst using their psychic powers to shrink their erection.

2 – As they stand, cover their tent-of-shame with their books and hope that Biff doesn’t slap them to the floor again.

3 – The waistband-tuck.

4 – Champion the dictum of ‘show, don’t tell’ by standing up and showing the rest of the class what humiliation looks like.

If this was a multiple-choice test, number ‘4’ would be the wrong answer.

Female Perspective

Ladies, if you’re wondering what this experience is like, imagine that you’re in Mr. Clooney’s sex class and you just queefed your first tampon into his face. Everybody laughs and you pee yourself. You’ve just answered ‘4’ above.

WET DREAMS!

 Scientifically…

Every now and then, guys have the dream they always wanted, where the plotline is sex with Kate Beckinsale. It also involves uncontrollable boners and premature ejaculation. The guys then wake up in a sludgy mess and realise that everything in the dream was real except for the Kate Beckinsale sex. This is a wet dream, and it’s on the same level of social acceptability as actual premature ejaculation. Or bedwetting. Getting out of such a sticky situation is tricky as wet dreams can come at you whenever they feel like it in whatever circumstance. They’re like a hot Freddy Kruger that gives you oral sex and shame.

Female Perspective

Imagine you’ve just wet the bed and it felt really good.

 

THE PAINIS!

Scientifically…

The story of Achilles was scientifically written as an analogical instruction manual on women’s self-defence. Everyone who wants to kill Achilles represents women, Achilles represents mankind, and Achilles’ heel represents mankind’s dick. Unless you’ve teleported out of a Japanese cartoon, most women’s self-defence instructors will tell you to aim 90% of your attacks at a man’s testicles and the other 10% at his eyes and testicles. There’s no need for an elaborate choke-hold or powerful knockout when men were designed with an ‘off’ switch between their legs.

Female Perspective

The pain that is induced by Johnson damage is like the physical equivalent of accidentally walking in on your doctor, who is your boyfriend, telling your family and friends that you’re barren whilst they’re having an orgy and eating each other. Or, imagine that you’ve just given birth to the Elephant Man and he’s trying to fly back into your uterus with a jetpack and a bazooka that fires tragedy. That’s almost what it feels like when someone decides to use your balls for a piñata. Sure, women have the pain of childbirth, but at least a guy can’t give you childbirth with a kick in the groin. Yet.

So next time you find yourself wishing you were born with mushroomey appendage, remember that it’s not all just happiness and fun, followed by deep sleep.